Relational Trauma
Sometimes, the patterns you find yourself stuck in started long before you did.
To understand trauma is to acknowledge that it does not have to be one singular event. In fact, it can be multiple rupturing events over the course of years or decades. And, it does not have to mean that something happened to you. It can also mean the absence of support, comfort, and care. You may not have received what you needed from those that were supposed to provide it.
How This Shows Up Here and Now
Trauma lives in our bodies, not just in our minds. Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris’s research showed us that we were not paying close enough attention to the impact of adverse childhood experiences on our health and well-being across the lifetime. And, she recognized the importance of well-resourced, supportive environments as preventative measures. But what happens when someone doesn’t have the resource or support? Trauma leaves a part of us feeling fractured and frozen in the time that it occurred.
Trauma does not mean that you had to experience a singular Traumatic event. Dr. Stephen Porges helped us see that it is how our individual nervous systems experience the event(s), not the event(s) itself, that can lead to trauma. If our nervous systems are overwhelmed and pushed beyond their capacity, our bodies will remember that feeling and mark what the perceived threat is to avoid it happening again. That’s what our nervous systems are built to do, scan for threats in order to survive.
Trauma can show up in what we tell ourselves about situations and how we react and relate to others.
Relational trauma work takes a deeper look at what your living environment was like growing up, what you observed and witnessed that informed what you had to do to survive and feel safe. We work together to identify where those patterns of disconnection began and help create a space for those fragmented parts of you to feel seen and heard.
Because when the person who is meant to be caretaking for you, whether physically or emotionally, consistently isn’t doing so, it’s not as if you stopped having needs. You may have learned to stop asking. I am appreciative of those parts of you that did what they had to do. In fact, I’m grateful because they got you where you are today. I recognize that they might be exhausted though and you might be struggling to make meaningful change because you’re feeling stuck. For some of the folks I work with, this might look like:
→ Scanning the room to check the vibe before you’ve even said hello
→ Naming what you want or need is genuinely difficult, borderline impossible
→ Feeling guilty for taking a moment to rest because you haven't earned it yet
→ Believing that if you’re not useful, you won’t be wanted
→ Approaching dating with your guard up because relying on others isn’t your thing
→ Choosing to surround yourself with partners, friends, or colleagues who need managing because that’s what you do best
→ Feeling shame for how you react to your partner
→ Minimizing your experience because it’s overwhelming to admit the hurt
None of this is your fault. When our environment tells us at a young age that everything is okay if we do ____ or don’t do ____, we tend to believe and apply that rule for everything else in our lives that fits because it’s the water we’re used to swimming in.
"Even the destructive parts
are trying to protect you."
- Richard Schwartz from No Bad Parts
Building the Foundation
What You Can Expect in Working With KatieTrauma therapy does not mean that we are diving into the processing immediately or constantly. It’s akin to preparing for a hike. We want to make sure that you have all the right tools you need and understand when a difficult climb is coming. Breaks and pauses are welcome. It’s not about how fast you get to the summit, it’s about how you feel when you get there.
The Pacing Matters
When you’re ready to tell it. Sometimes, there are parts of you that have been waiting for a long time to be heard. And, I understand that they can come to therapy feeling ready to spill it all. At the same time, parts of you might be scared of letting that happen. So, we will lean into compassion and patience for all of the parts in your system.
It’s Your Story to Tell
Trauma lives in our bodies, and that often takes away our feeling of safety and self-trust. For this reason, trauma therapy can be activating and hard work. We will attune to your body throughout the process, noticing any changes and signs of overwhelm and working towards a more grounded presence so that you can be there for your parts.
Feeling Safe in Your Body Again
You Are Enough, There is Nothing to Fix Here.
None of the parts of you need to change. I understand that they did what they had to do, in order for you to get to where you are today. Trauma can create a sense of urgency to fix because working with parts that have been frozen in time can bring on feelings of time being wasted. I promise you that true, deep healing is possible in letting go of that urgency.
Something I love about Internal Family Systems (IFS) and using somatic techniques in my work as a trauma therapist is that we are able to go deeper. I often hear from folks that I work with that have had previous therapy experiences that may have veered more towards traditional talk therapy is that insight doesn’t always lead to lasting change. I’m not hoping you’ll tell me the facts of your story, just to tell me so we can map a + b = c. I want to help you build capacity to be with the parts of you that are looking to protect you and the parts of you that have been exiled because what they hold is too painful. In taking the time to form these relationships and feel more connected to yourself, I hope that you will gain more self-compassion and sense of openness.
Healing that comes from within is powerful, and a system that feels safe enough to let go of what is has been carrying is a beautiful thing to witness. Rather than simply acknowledging that you did not get what you needed from your parent or primary caregiver (which is still important to healing), this work asks you to ground yourself in the safety of the present while somatically attuning to the part of you that is carrying that pain. Helping heal those emotional wounds can lead to a more spacious, authentic, and harmonious way of living.
Finding the Flow
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) in Illinois and Colorado
“You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you.”
- Madeline Miller from Circe
You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.
I understand that parts of you have probably been carrying this for a long time and it has felt like you had to carry it
all by yourself.
I’m here to support you in feeling connected with yourself again.