How to Know When You’re Ready for Therapy

And what you might expect from that first consult call…

I hear some version of this question a lot. It goes something like, “Is what I’m dealing with bad enough to see a professional about it?” or “Why am I not able to handle this on my own?” Sometimes, I' even hear “What if I get there and don’t know what to do or say?” or “How do I find the right therapist?”

If you’re asking yourself any of these questions right now, the short answer is that you don’t need a crisis to justify starting therapy. In fact, I view waiting until you’re at your worst as generally not recommended. Your intuition is probably onto something here. It might be trying to tell you that something isn’t working here anymore or that those coping skills that used to work aren’t as relieving as they used to be. That gut feeling is enough to get started.

You Don’t Have to “Earn” Therapy

A lot of the people I work with are high achievers who are used to solving problems on their own. You’ve probably read a few books, maybe started journaling or meditating regularly, and crowd-sourced some advice from trusted individuals. And still, something feels stuck.

This is not a sign that therapy isn’t right for you. And I understand that you might be feeling frustrated that you’re not seeing the same benefit that everyone around you is talking about. For all the wonderfulness that is less stigma around mental health, it can also be challenging to some who feel behind or struggle with comparing themselves to others. All of this is actually a sign that you’re ready for therapy. Insight alone doesn’t change how we feel in our bodies or how we respond to stress. It is especially difficult to create change when what you’re carrying is rooted in old patterns and generational wounds. For instance, growing up with a parent who couldn’t quite meet you emotionally is going to leave a mark. And, a nervous system that learned early on to stay one step ahead of everyone else’s needs is going to feel jarred when you try to focus on your own needs first.

I appreciate and have parts that hold tenderness for those that come prepared for therapy. And, I firmly believe that you do not have to sort yourself out before showing up. I don’t expect any of my clients to know and understand the full picture of themselves before we’ve started our work together. That’s where I come in. It’s my role to help folks make sense of themselves and the patterns that are showing up. And I promise to do so gently and holding curiosity for all parts of you.

Signs That It Might Be Time

There isn’t a one-size fits all, evidence-based checklist, as much as I might wish there was. Instead, I wanted to provide a few things that I’ve heard often from folks right before they reach out:

• You’re functioning fine on the outside, but something feels off or hollow underneath it
  ‍ ‍Molly from Insecure has got it all together on the outside - great job, great friends, great life… but when we take a deeper look, she isn’t happy

• You find yourself coming back to the same argument, the same shutdown feeling, or the same thought spiral in different contexts
  ‍ ‍i.e. Tony Soprano in literally any setting

• You’re exhausted even though you’re resting and taking care of yourself
  ‍ ‍I imagine Hermione Granger knows this feeling well

• You don’t have space, capacity, or time for your feelings
  ‍ ‍think Ross from Friends saying “I’m fine” over and over, getting more high-pitched each time and showing that he is clearly not fine

• You’ve been knocked off balance by something recent, like a loss, a change, or resurfaced memories

None of these items need to be big or dramatic despite my examples from very dramatic shows and movies. “I just don’t feel like myself lately” is a completely valid reason to reach out.

So, What Actually Happens During the Free Consults You Hear About?

Let’s demystify the free 15-minute phone consultation that I, and a lot of therapists, offer. I know that a “phone call with a complete stranger about your inner life” can sound really intimidating and daunting. Here’s what you can expect from mine:

It’s a conversation, not an evaluation. I’ll ask you to give me a little context as to what’s bringing you to therapy right now and what you’re hoping might shift from our work together. There’s no need to prep for this like it’s a job interview. Unpolished answers are welcome and encouraged! “I’m not sure, I just need to talk to someone” is plenty.

You get to ask questions, too. If you’re curious about how I work, what sessions actually look like, whether IFS (parts work) sounds like a fit for what you’re describing, or logistics like insurance and scheduling, you will have the opportunity to ask.

We both are feeling it out. Fit matters. Therapists are knowledgeable and have different techniques that help people in different ways. And yet, if we’re not able to build a relationship with a foundation of trust and safety, everything we know and try will be far less effective. This phone call is as much for you, as it is for me. You’re getting a read on whether I’m the right person to be with on your healing journey. I’m understanding what you’re looking for. These are equally important to determining the rightness of fit.

No pressure, either way. If it feels right, we’ll find a time for your first session. If it doesn’t or you need time to reflect, that’s useful information, too. I’m always glad to help point you toward other resources.

If You’re Still Not Sure…

You don’t have to be. That is not a prerequisite for therapy. If part of you was curious enough to read this far, that might be a good enough reason for you to book the consultation call and see how it feels.