When Self-Compassion Feels Unfamiliar
I’ve heard it countless times from clients - “When I try to be nice to myself, it doesn’t work” or “I don’t really believe what I’m saying.” Skepticism or shame is common when self-compassion feels unnatural. When attempts at being kind to ourselves aren’t immediately soothing, it can make us feel uncomfortable or even annoyed. In reality, it isn’t that the attempt is ineffective; it may simply be unfamiliar territory.
Why Self-Compassion Can Feel Unsafe
Sometimes we grow up in environments where we receive approval based on conditions being met - this could be dependent on grades or a variety of achievements. Children may internalize that they deserve love only if they are “good enough” or meet certain expectations, often receiving little emotional attunement from their parents. Dr. Lindsay Gibson draws our attention to a pattern where “children who feel they cannot engage their parents emotionally often try to strengthen their connection by playing whatever roles they believe their parents want them to.” These children learn to rely on their performance to meet their emotional needs and create safety. Over time, self-criticism can become a coping strategy, a way to protect and motivate continued high performance.
Resistance is Often Information
The parts of us that are activated by self-compassion may feel threatened by it. After so many years using self-criticism to successfully protect and motivate, it can feel terrifying for these parts to hear compassion. These parts might worry that you’ll become lazy, that you’ll lose control, or that you’ll be hurt again. These fears are very real to the parts of us that learned through lived experience that this could happen. They aren’t blocking you from healing, they’re protecting you from having to experience that harm.
In dynamics with individuals who lack emotional maturity, compassion is often weaponized in order to perpetuate a narrative where the emotionally immature person is the victim. The hope from this individual is that their needs will become the focus and their point of view the primary, or only one. Compassion can become disconnected from us when this happens. Parts might not believe that compassion is for you, only for others.
When you notice resistance, this isn’t a sign that something is wrong or that self-compassion is impossible. It’s communication from a part or parts of you that are signaling compassion may feel unfamiliar, unsafe, or unearned. Attuning to and listening for that hesitation is often the first step toward building trust.
What Self-Compassion Actually Is (And What It Is Not)
Self-compassion does not mean making excuses or justifications for behavior that is not appropriate or that does not meet your own set expectations. It does not mean that you cannot hold yourself accountable and work towards goals. Self-compassion is not inauthentic, nor is it toxically positive. Kindness for the sake of kindness is ineffective and often leads to the responses at the beginning of this article.
Self-compassion means reducing shame so that curiosity and understanding is possible. It creates enough emotional safety for you to stay present in your body, not pushed beyond your threshold of tolerance into a state of overwhelm. With this clarity, you may be able to notice what thoughts or patterns of behavior are not helpful to you. An outcome of self-compassion is increased self-trust for yourself and the parts that are working to protect you.
A Gentle Practice Even When It Feels Awkward
If self-compassion feels awkward or inauthentic, you might try starting more gently:
Using neutral language instead of affirmations
Identifying and acknowledging a part, without trying to change it
Leading with curiosity rather than kindness at first
Permission to Try
From my years working with clients, I have learned that it’s common to not like self-compassion at first or to feel as though it isn’t doing anything. That doesn’t mean it’s time to give up on it. It may simply be new, unfamiliar, or even a little threatening to parts that learned other ways to cope.
Rather than treating self-compassion like another task to complete, consider approaching it as a relationship you’re building slowly within yourself. Progress may feel uneven or subtle, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.
